The Plastic Spoon

I'm a Pervert with Almost 25 Years of Recovery

When I was in the 2nd grade, I already knew that I liked girls... a lot!  In fact, for the majority of my early years, it was the older girls (you know, the girls on the "big kids" playground) that I had my eye on.  The 3rd and 4th grade girls were cuter and had the ability to make me popular, and I WANTED TO IMPRESS THEM. 

One day, while standing in the lunch line for a Chalupa (a wonderful taco boat full of cheese, meat and grease), one of the older girls asked if she could see my Weiner.  What the hell is a boy to do?  I whipped it out and showed her.  In all of my 2nd grade glory, I showed her my pee-pee and she liked it.  Or so I thought.  That was the moment in my life I learned that laughter is not always a sign of elation.  She told her friends about the wonder she had seen and before you knew it I WAS POPULAR.  Every girl in the school had left there PB&J's to bare witness to the baby ground hog with no shadow to speak of.  Imagine if you will the sight of 15 girls circled around a little boy who is spinning around with his sprinkler hanging out (or at least exposed). 

It didn't take long for the other boys to cock block me (I can't believe I was able to actually use that term in a literal context!) and before I knew it I was sitting in the Principle's Office lying about what I had done.  After admitting to my very small infraction I was sent back to class with the instructions to tell my parents what I had done.  That was it.  No punishment from the school at all, and all my dad did was ask what sort of technique I had used to get a dozen girls to want to see it.

So why the long post about my early days as a flasher?

Because some idiots in Virginia have declared a 6-year old boy a Sex-Offender for slapping a fellow student (a girl) on the bottom during recess!  You have to follow this link and read for yourself how bad it has become in our Public School system. 

If a 6-year old boy can't slap a girl on the ass, then what the Hell are we paying GYM teachers for?

the Spoon has been Sporked!

I am both shocked and and really damn impressed.  For the first time in the Spoon's more than half a decade of existence, a copy-cat retaliation has taken place.  That's right... this morning, there was an email in my inbox with the below picture attached.

We've been Sporked by Batman!  Touche Batman... but watch your back, because you never know when the REAL Plastic Spoon will attack!

Appraud and Crap!

In an unprecedented moved, the Chinese Government has enlisted professional cheer leaders for the upcoming Summer Games this August.  This will not be the standard cheerleader we are so used to seeing (and looking for), although she does look like she might be working for US Olympic Bicycle Team

Instead, many of the nearly 1/4 of a million "Official Cheerleaders" are former state employees who have been drafted out of retirement for this most honorable opportunity.

According to the Washington Post, "They have been taught when to roar their approval and why not to boo other teams, especially those from onetime enemy countries. They will be assigned to events based partly on the decibel levels desired, organizers say."

The Beijing Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games emphasizes the importance of both enlisting and training these Cultural Ambassadors;

"The Chinese don't know very much about baseball, archery, handball or water polo. Part of this is an exercise to teach organized cheering that can be used at events they have no experience at," said Jeff Ruffolo, a spokesman for the committee.

To all of you perverts out there withs some sort of Asian fetish, simmer down a bit, because you probably can't expect to see armies of young Chinese girls in communist-red tights and ringerie. What you are more likely to see are hundreds of thousands of Chinese grandparents toting flags, handkerchiefs, thunder-sticks, and of course flied lice as they appraud and crap for the home team.

"Higher, higher! Faster, faster! Stronger, stronger!"

If the goal of the Communist Country is to show the world unity, strength in numbers, blind obedience, false excitement, and the effects of too much MSG, then their return on investment should be grand.  If not, then the rest of the world should (if nothing else) have another thing thing to laugh at the Chinese about.

Also worth noting...  There have been thousands of Chinese volunteers who have been trained to man the entrances to each event.  Since English is the international language the have been taught a phrase to say to each visitor as they pass through the entrance...

"No Ticky.. No Orympy"

Speaking of Religion...

I love South Park.  In my not so humble opinion, it is the most intelligent and socially significant show on television.  On the show the writers leave no stone unturned, everyone is at risk and all must have a sense of humor.  Two of my favorite episodes have to do with religion, actually many of the best shows have to do with the topic of faith.  Two, in particular, come to mine in light of recent events in the news.  First, episode 712, "All About Mormons" is a classic explanation of what Mormon's really do believe.  Second, is the 912th production titled, "Trapped in the Closet".  In this episode, South Park takes aim at the controversial Church of Scientology and does an amazing job at it! 

I bring this up this morning, because I stumbled across a must read website with Top Secret Leaked Documents from the secretive religion.  The courts are trying to shut down the site (wikileaks.org), but to no avail.  Apparently the site is dedicated to posting leaked documents from oppressive (or otherwise creepy organizations and governments) in the hopes of revealing to the world their deception.  So... check out Wikileaks.org and see the Secret Bibles of the Church of Scientology and decide for yourself.

 

1st Amendment?

The news has found a something new to distract them from the War in Iraq in the recent raid of a Ranch in Texas.  Last week, the 688 Hectare Ranch was just that... A Ranch.  Albeit a Ranch where some weird shit went down, but a Ranch non-the-less.  Inhabited by a Fundamentalist Sect of the Mormon community, the Ranch is a place where people of the community can live in peace with their "unique" religious views.  The sect gained national notoriety when it's religious leader Warren Jeffs was put on the FBI's most wanted list and subsequently arrested for child endangerment, rape, and other "unique" religious crimes.  This week, when the FEDS reenacted the "War of 1993", the media moved from referring to the piece of land as a Ranch and began to call it a compound. The authorities decided to raid the compound after a report was made by a 15 year old girl that she had been forced to marry and have a child with a 50 year old man.  530 women and children were removed from the ranch and the 6 men (I don't know if that number is accurate, but CAN YOU IMAGINE IF IT WAS!?!?!) are not permitted to leave until the investigation is complete.  So... the question is this;

If we have a first amendment right to freedom of religion, why the hell are the FEDS involved in this?  The Polygamy is illegal in this country, but it is part of their religious foundation.  If we know that there is child abuse going on in this sect as part of the philosophical and theological underpinning of it, then why the shit do we allow them the freedom to practice?  Raiding the ranch (or "compound" if it makes it feel more humane) as a result of one child's report of abuse is too late!  THE DAMAGE HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE!  Affording people religious freedom at the expense of someone else's innocence is not what our Founding Fathers intended.

So... if our second amendment right to bear arms can be legislated by the government to protect the innocent, then why shouldn't our first amendment right be regulated as well?  What would the implications be?  My thought is that in a Culture that has been castrated by political correctness, we will never be able to protect the innocent from those who abuse religious authority.  The Branch Dividian didn't start with David Koresh, he just took it to a place where 76 people were burned to death because of his nutty leadership and our government's inability to do anything right.

What can we do?  Is the right to religious freedom worth even one little girl having to marry and conceive a child with her Uncle?  Is it worth 76 lives, including 21 children and 2 pregnant women?  Is it worth 2,974 deaths and the toppling of a city?  What exactly is the value (or worth) of our 2nd Amendment right?

A Matter of the Heart?

In 1995, Sonny Graham was given the gift of life.  On the verge of heart failure, Graham received the miracle mixed blessing of organ donation.  The donor, a 33 year old man, fell victim to the selfish lie of suicide.  In what must have been the most confusing and horrifying hours of the donor's family's lives, the friends, family & relatives of Sonny Graham had reason to rejoice and thank God.  Shortly after the successful transplant, Graham began writing letters to the donor's family thanking them for the gift of life he had received.  It was through these letters that he met the acquaintance of the donor's widow.  The two hit it off and were married in 1997.  This weekend, just 12 years after receiving the heart (and oddly enough marrying the widow), Sonny Graham committed suicide... the same way his donor had just more than a decade earlier, by a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  A matter of the heart or proof that women have the ability to make men do crazy things?

K-FED

When I grow up I want to be Kevin Federline.  Up until recently, I thought that Britney's ex was a poster boy for Douche bags, but thanks to both Britney and an absolutely genius Superbowl Ad

I have actually grown pretty fond of the Douche bag.  This morning on my way to work, I heard a report on the radio that made K-Fed's stock soar.  The professional loser gets over 15k per month in child support and will continue to get that for the next 16+ years... unless he begins to make more money than Brit Brit.  The chances of this happening, according to a Yahoo! News Report are pretty slim.  Here are the fun facts:

Federline spent over $43,000 on Vegas hotels, dining and shopping between May '07 and January '08

• Almost $1500 at Versace.
• Almost 4k at TAO nightclub.
• $3,008 at the Hard Rock Beach Club.
• At Scores (a nudie bar) he dropped a $2000 tip on a $365 tab!

So the spending isn't that bad, because he has to be making some decent money right?  In 2007 Federline spent $841,129!  A guy spending that kind of money must be making a load of dough... Try $544,075... that means that our boy K-FED is at a net loss of almost -$300,000!

So why do I want to be K-FED when I grow up?  Besides the fact the he somehow manages to pay his other baby's mama (Shar Jackson) more for child support than Britney pays him ( $18.228 per month)? 

I want to be Mr. Federline, because Pure Nightclub in Vegas paid him $15,000 to come to his own birthday party and also another $50,000 for various appearances in December of 2007!

My birthday is coming up in a couple of months and if anyone wants to pay me to be at a party in my honor, the starting bid is a Miller High life Tall-Boy.

XM Radio

OK, so I live a pretty sad existence from 8am to 11:30 and then from 12:30 to about 4pm.  It is sad, because I am stuck in a cubicle that wouldn't hold half of Monica Lewinsky if I were a third as desperate as our former president... but I digress.

So, from the working hours of 8am to 4ish, I am forced to listen to really bad music on XM Radio.  It is not so much that the service itself sucks, but that the people (mostly the chick who sits behind me -- Who by the way gets a spoon on her desk daily and just walked by while I was typing this) continually puts the station on either "SOFT POP" or on the "20 on 20" station.  THIS TOTALLY PISSES ME OFF AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!  I will change the station to "Willie's Place" or "Blues-ville" or even sometimes the "Starbucks Station" ... but if I have to listen to Sheryl Crow sing about free gas or and forced to sit through another Nickel-back song, I will throw the damn XM receiver out the effing window!

That is all I have to say about that.

Asian Sideburns

What is up with Asian Sideburns?  Actually what is up with Asian hair in general?  Sideburns, cartoon hairstyles, chin beards, and pointy sideburns... What the eff?!?!

I'm not sure exactly what I feel every time I see the manicured hair of a Japanese dude (or chick for that matter) with sideburns that are actually just really long pieces of hair from the side of their head moused in to a point which ends somewhere near the bottom of their chin.  I kinda freaks me out!  You all know what I am talking about, but believe it or not you will not be able to find a picture of it on the internet.  I'm serious, I have spent the last few weeks thinking about this and looking diligently for a picture to represent the post... but alas... nothing!  I did however find an amazing video on youtube

Enjoy the video and I personally challenge anyone to find me some pictures of pointy Asian sideburns.  Email them to me or post links in the comments section.  If we can get enough, I might just start a wall of fame called AWESOME ASIANS.

Rate My Cop part Deux

Due to the overwhelming response to the last "Rate My Cop" post, the Plastic spoon has done some investigating.  It turns out that my neighborhood is not the only one who has been experiencing a rise in parking citations.  Typically parking tickets are the job of "meter maids" and "seniors on patrol", but many have noticed over the last few weeks that all cops have been writing them.  Why is this?  It seems that it has come all the way from the top.  That's right, because the bureaucrats is Sacramento can't manage our tax money, we are heading in to a recession and a budget crisis.  So what do you do?  It takes too long to raise our taxes, so how can our city's and county's get immediate revenue?  PARKING TICKETS!  That's exactly what is happening!  The shit has rolled down hill and the only way to generate the revenue needed is to ticket everyone for frivolous infractions.  BUT DO NOT DESPAIR, there has been enough uproar from this (on both www.ratemycop.com and on theplasticspoon) to warrant a response from the municipalities.  Here is the deal...  If you have been issued a parking citation between February 1, 2008 & March 31, 2008 FOR ANY REASON in San Diego County, Orange County, or Riverside County, you do not have to pay it.  What you need to do is Follow this link and fill out the form and that is it!  The last thing you will need to do is make sure and list the Plastic Spoon as your referring address so that we will get the credit for bringing change to flawed system.