The Plastic Spoon

Rough Morning...

I am pretty sure that this might be my favorite ad campaign...  Enjoy the videos!

Would You Tell Your Roommate?

When I was in college, my buddies and I would go to a small bar/dance club which was 18 and up.  Every Thursday night, we would sit outside in the parking lot and drink Mickey's Ice 40's to loosen up before going in.  One night in particular, my roommate was hammered and being completely obnoxious, so when I looked up and saw him making out with a larger girl from my school, I saw my opportunity for revenge.  I made my way around the bar telling all of our friends to look,

"Check it out... 'Mike' is making out with 'Crissy'.  When you see later tonight, tell him that the 'girl' he was making out with is actually a dude... but not to worry, 'cause no one else saw."

Within moments, all of our friends were in on the gag and I made my move.  I walked up to the drunken sloberfest and tapped "Mike" on the shoulder.

"Dude!  That chick you are making out with... she is a man!"

"No way...?"

"Dude, I am serious... look at her... she has an Adams Apple."

"Shit... You're full of it, she's hot"

"Don't worry man, no one saw, and I won't say anything"

"Screw you, she's not a dude."

A few moments went bye and "Mike" went to go to the bathroom.  While in the John, the rest of the plot began to unfold.  One by one, over the course of the next 45 minutes, our friends started telling him that she was really a dude and that it was "OK, 'cause no one else saw."  I got nervous when about an hour later "Mike" was no where to be found.  After looking all over the bar, and asking 'Crissy' where he was, she said this, "It was so weird, he came up to me, shoved me, and said 'f#@% you man... you sick f#@%!' and he went running outside."

Outside is where I found him, head in his hands, muttering... "what was I thinking, I am never drinking again... what was I thinking, I am never drinking again..."  Being the good friend I am, I sat down next to him, put my arm around his shoulder and said, "Don't worry man, no one saw and I promise I won't tell a soul."

Would you tell your roommate?

How to Impress the Ladies

Men do stupid things all the time to try and impress women.  We believe in our hearts (or perhaps 18" lower) that women are impressed with things like stunts, scars, stories, and silly humor... truth be told, they aren't.  As I have matured over the years(granted slower than most my age), I have come to believe that woman are not so much impressed with the steel plate in my leg as they are when I put on a collared shirt and brush my hair.  I have gone from trying to impress women with the 10 push-ups I can struggle through and now will put on pressed shirt, a nice pair of jeans and some smell good on my neck.  This is difficult for me, because my mother always told me that women liked men who smelled like men, not girls.  And despite my track record, for the better part of my adult life I didn't just smell like a man, but in order to attract more women with more efficiency, I would smell more like an enitre football team. 

Over the years I have tried with an unrelenting consistency to discover what it is that women are attracted to.  My whole outlook was radically called in to question this morning when I came across an article on the Discovery Channel website. 

It turns out that human males aren't the only ones who are having trouble understanding females.  Science is beginning to prove that females are high maintenance in most Genus and Specie lists!  It has long been thought that the ornate and beautiful feathers of a Peacock (which is actually the male version of a Peafowl... the female is known as a Peahen) had evolved overtime as a way of attracting Peahens to mate.  This has resently been brought in to question because of the work of a scientist in India, with way too much time on his hands. Mariko Takahashi has discovered (what the Peacock has probably known for centuries) that Peahens just don't give a shit about what the Peacock looks like... all she really cares about is what he has to say.  The study shows that a Peacock has much more mating success based on his call than his display.  In other words, the Peacock who knows what to say gets laid...

According to the article, this is what they have found.  The Peacock screams out and says something to the effect of "Hey... Look at me!" and will start to dance.  The Peahen then will circle around the Peacock she thinks she might like.  This causes the Peacock to shiver (or perhaps tremble?).  Once the Peacock begins to shiver, the Peahen knows that she now has the control and will ask the Peacock to do little things for her.  She changes the way his feathers look, rearranges his nest, and forbids him to hang out with the Peacocks he used to hang with.  The Peacock will mate with his new found Peahen until she concieves, at which point he will be forced to work longer hours.  The long hours at work and stress over his emotional nest will lead to him loosing his ornate feathers and voice and add more stress to his already disappointing mating life.  In the end, the Peacock will tell his boys to wait and impress the Peahens with more than just words, that the "good ones" will mate with you for who you are.

Needless to say, I was impressed and a bit concerned by this new discovery.  It is truly amazing what science can prove these days!  I wish they would do a study like this on humans... I wonder what it would find?

 

Rate My Cop

I live on corner lot, surrounded by GREAT neighbors.  On the two streets which intersect in front of my house, kids play, dogs run around without fighting, and neighbors chat in the street.  Sound good?  It should!  It is rare to find this sort of neighborhood these days.  You know what sucks about the neighborhood?  THE COPS!  On more than one occasion, I have almost been hit by a speeding black and white.  When I asked one cop in particular why they all ran stop signs and drove too fast in my neighborhood, he replied, "because we can."  This is unacceptable!  Recently, one puny peckered policeman has been on a rampage of issuing parking tickets... PARKING TICKETS!  Not tickets for parking in the middle of the street, or for having expired tags, or even for parking in the red zones.  He is writing them for people parking in their driveways, and on ambiguous corners.  Long, sweeping corners, the likes of a slightly curved street.  When asked why he is writing the tickets, he replied with a snicker and a smile and let us know that someone had pissed him off and that he would let up now.  WHAT!?!?  Even worse, when we asked him why the city wouldn't just paint the curb red, his response was... "if we did that we wouldn't be able to write tickets and make money"....

I HATE THE COPS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!

I found a great website where you can fight back... at least with some words and accountability.  www.ratemycop.com is a great resource for you to file public complaints about the cops who are abusing their position.  Take a look at the site and search for your neighborhood... I bet you'll find some friends who share your common disdain for the few greedy, bad attitude cops who ruin the cop reputation for all.

Store High In Transit

A recent conversation with some friends over poor service, mediocre tacos, and cold late arriving beer turned to the study of words.  Etymology, studies the origin of words and can be a lot of fun... it can also cause people to be completely full of S.H.I.T.

Our etymological conversation started when my roommate asked if anyone knew the origins of the word shit.  Immediately every hand held device was on the table looking for answers from the Google gods.  The answer (by virtue of quantity of returns) was as follows;

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back then) by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it. It not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen; methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

As I left dinner I actually heard the same story on the radio as part of an advertisement for a plumber.  So, this morning I did my own investigation and found that this story is a load of male cow patties!

I found the following excerpt at dictionary.com

The origins of the word trace back to the Old English word scitan (to split, separate or divide).  The noun is O.E. scitte "purging;" sense of "excrement" dates from 1585, from the verb.  The notion that it is a recent word may be because the word was taboo from c.1600 and rarely appeared in print (neither Shakespeare not the KJV has it), and even in "vulgar" publications of the late 18c. it is disguised by dashes. It drew the wrath of censors as late as 1922 ("Ulysses" and "The Enormous Room"), scandalized magazine subscribers in 1957 (a Hemingway story in "Atlantic Monthly") and was omitted from some dictionaries as recently as 1970 ("Webster's New World"). Extensive slang usage; verb meaning "to lie, to tease" is from 1934; that of "to disrespect" is from 1903. Noun use for "obnoxious person" is since at least 1508; meaning "misfortune, trouble" is attested from 1937. Shat is a humorous past tense form, not etymological, first recorded 18c. Shite, now a jocular or slightly euphemistic variant, formerly a dialectal variant, reflects the vowel in the O.E. verb (cf. Ger. scheissen). Shit-faced "drunk" is 1960s student slang; shit list is from 1942. To not give a shit "not care" is from 1922; up shit creek "in trouble" is from 1937. Scared shitless first recorded 1936.

So there you have it... but really WHO GIVES A SHIT!

Guide Dogs for the Blind

I had a GREAT Easter weekend!  Yesterday was beautiful, there was good food, family, and friends, I got to bed at a descent time and slept like a rock... a rock who had to much wine... but a rock none the less.  This morning I woke up refreshed and actually excited about going to work.  My drive to work is 19 miles each way and if I leave before 8am, I can usually make it in just less than 20 minutes.  This mornings commute was surprisingly easy, that is until a woman in a huge white suburban (We'll call her Some Dumb Bitch) cut me off, nearly running me in to the car to my right.  I looked to see who she was, but couldn't see anything until I lowered my middle finger from it's violently elevated position in from of my face.  Once my fully extended non-verbal digit was out of sight I saw an amazing sticker on Some Dumb Bitch's urban assault vehicle.  From window to window in homemade stencil stickers was the advertisement

GUIDE DOGS FOR THE BLIND

I swear to Allah, this woman (who clearly didn't see me) had a home marketing campaign (directed towards the blind) strewn across her rear window, complete with a phone number!  I immediately considered calling my deaf friend to tell him about what I saw, but remembered he was out running with my paraplegic buddy to our mute friends choral concert.  It was really too bad, cause they all would have gotten a kick out the irony.

The spoon has no official policy about posting phone numbers, however out of consideration for Some Dumb Bitch, we will not be publishing her contact information.  Besides everyone knows that the blind don't care for blogs with white backgrounds.  What I have done might actually surprise you.  I called Some Dumb Bitch minutes ago and gave her our web address.  Our conversation went something like this;

"Good morning, Guide Dogs for the Blind"

"Excuse me..?  I didn't hear you, who is this?"

"This is Guide Dogs for the Blind, how may I help you?"

"Huh?  I thought this was the phone number for hearing aids for the deaf... what?  is it?"

"No sir, this is Guide Dogs for the Blind"

"Oh... what?  Hello?  Can you speak louder?"

"I - A-M  S-O-R-R-Y  S-I-R . . . I  T-H-I-N-K  Y-O-U  M-I-G-H-T  H-A-V-E  T-H-E  W-R-O-N-G  N-U-M-B-E-R..."

"Whoa lady, I said I couldn't hear you, not that I was Asian!  Listen, I am calling because I do marketing for companies who take advantage ... I mean care of people with special needs.  If you take a moment to visit my website, thePlasticSpoon.blogs.com, you might find that we have a perfect logo for your business."

"That is wonderful, because we are actually looking to make our business appear more professional"
"Would you say that you would like people to SEE you as more legitimate?"

"Exactly!"

"Great, then take a look at our site"

"What do you charge?"

"For people like you?  Your satisfaction will be payment enough."

"Thank you sir, I will check out your site right now."

"You are welcome ma'am... I hope you enjoy the artwork."

"Bye"

"bye"

Sorry about the long dialog, but I thought it would be important, because here is the logo...

So, Some Dumb Bitch, did you like it?

Obama is a Mack Daddy...

Watch the choir boy in the back trying not to laugh when the pastor says, "titties"...

What an asshole!

A retired woman in Germany was experiencing pain in her leg.  Her physician recommended that she go in for a fairly routine surgery to rememdy the situation and to make her life more enjoyable.  When the woman woke up from the surgery her leg still hurt, but her ass felt like the ass of an 18 year old... why?  Well, it seems as though the doctors were scheduled for two procedures that morning.  One, was for the woman with the leg issue, and the other was for a dude who needed a new anus. 

OOPS!

The woman, who did get herself a brand new, sparkley, clean anus and the opportunity to sue the clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, and the asshole doctors who screwed the "pooch" if you will.

The person who we should feel sorry for is the weight lifter who was actually due the anus.  He had injured it (so to speak) while attempting to dead lift a Volkswagon.  Below is a picture of his injury.

 

2nd Amendment...

For the first time in nearly 70 years, our country's highest court will be interpreting the Second Amendment.  Because of a questionably unconstitutional 1976 ban on Handgun ownership in the nations capitol, the Supreme Court will be forced to address the verbiage of this highly controversial topic.  Many groups have come out in support of both sides of this monumental court date.  Among the groups are the NRA (of which I am a member in good standing), the Pink Pistols (of which I am not a member) and of course many anti-gun lobbies such as the Brady Campaign have also voiced opinions.  While this is without doubt going to be a historic ruling, it is not really worth much more of the Plastic Spoon's finder energy.

What is important is that I deliver the first of many Cyber Spoons.  Up for auction next month is another historic piece of American Firearm History.

The .38 Caliber Colt Revolver that Jack Ruby used to assassinate the alleged JFK Assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, will be going up for auction through Guernseys Auction House next month, for an expected 2-3 million dollars! 

So why the spoon?  Everyday, law enforcement raids homes, drug labs, and crime rings confiscating countless numbers of weapons.  Those weapons, regardless of history, are for the most part destroyed.  Some are historical, hard-to-find weapons and many are average run-of-the-mill guns, but many (if not all) handguns are destroyed.

So, how is it that the gun that introduced the World to "Reality TV" on November 24th, 1963, was given back to Jack Ruby and by way of his estate was eventually returned to the Brother of the Murderer!?!?  Earl Ruby, Jack Ruby's Brother, received $220,000 for the gun in 1991 from a collector who has been in possession of the weapon since.  Does this seems weird to anyone yet?

Let's recap...

1.  1960, crooked nightclub owner Jack Ruby makes a $62.50 investment in US History, by purchasing a .38 Caliber revolver.

2.  Lee Harvey Oswald proves to be the most amazing marksman in the history of the world, by killing John F. Kennedy.

3.  Jack Ruby goes from thug hit man to national patriot overnight, by killing Lee Harvey Oswald (on live television!)

4.  Earl Ruby, is given the murder weapon, WITH THE ENGRAVED SIGNATURES OF ALL THE COPS WHO HANDLED THE GUN AND INVESTIGATION!

5.  Earl Ruby makes nearly a quarter of a million dollars by auctioning off the weapon to Florida real estate developer Anthony Pugliese III.

6.  Next Month Mr. Pugliese will make between two and three million dollars by selling the gun.

I wonder if the brother of the coward who shot Jamiel Shaw Jr., will be given the weapon after the investigation?  Or maybe the 15 year old murderer Brandon McInerney's family should get the weapon he used to end little Lawrence King's life earlier this month?  Who knows, it could be worth a lot of money to those people some day!

The Plastic Spoon goes to the Dallas Police Department for being a bunch of idiots!  You know what, while we are at it, a cyberspoon goes out to all Police & Sheriff departments on behalf of the Plastic Spoon.  In fact, why don't you all take a minute to visit my new favorite website and deliver your own spoon!

I'm Effing John McCain